Why am I drawn to chaos despite I'm suffering?

As a psychologist I tend to do a lot of observing. Like, a lot.

So, through observing and working with people, I appreciate that everyone is unique. At the same time though, some of us fall into certain categories, or, if you like, face similar challenges that result in specific patterns of behaviour. One of these patterns invloves a question that concerns a lot of my clients, friends, family, even myself:

Why am I drawn to chaos despite I'm suffering?

(note: please be ready for an uncomfortable answer)

Because - likely - you were born in it. You were - likely - raised in a chaotic environment, filled with drama, crises & mixed messages, so that’s what's familiar to you. You are suffering because it's emotionally challenging and draining to experience something like that (obviously), but at the same time you are drawn to it because it still “feels safe”. And it does, on a deep, subconscious level, because it is not unknown.

So, while on the surface you may be feeling frustrated, worn out, exhausted, desperate even while you are enmeshed in drama, you "know how the story goes" and what to expect from that narrative. And in this way, you feel somehow reassured that you got this. And chances are, you do because you’ve been there countless times before. But it doesn't end there, because you also feel conflicted about the situation. The inner conflict comes from the simultneous feelings of danger and safety that arise in the midst of an unsafe and unhealthy reality that you unconsciously encourage (with your choices) to continue. Confused yet?

Meanwhile, any situation, reality or person that is actually safe and healthy for you, may feel threatening.


Because you don’t know how to behave or what to expect in that situation. And so you avoid them in favour of the “safe & familiar chaos”. In other words, your nervous system is not wired for a truly calm & nourishing environment.

How will you know whether that's true for you?

Think of how you feel during phases of your life that nothing dramatic is going on.

Do you feel happy, serene, content?

Or do you feel on edge, antsy, anxious, jittery?

..... Let that sink in for a bit.

During periods of crises you feel physically & emotionally exhausted and wonder why. You may be having headaches, other aches and pains, difficulty sleeping. Why? Because your body, although adept to this reality, will still react to chaos & stress in an effort to make you pay conscious attention.

You didn't get to choose in what kind of household you were raised into, but one thing is certain: if you were raised in an unpredictable and dramatic household, you carry that through your adult life.

Did this post resonate or trigger feelings of discomfort in any way? If so, you may have some deep and meaningful work to do.

The question is: are you ready to break the pattern?

I guarantee you, if you do that, you'll be finally able to feel true enjoyment in your relationships and your nervous system will thank you for that..

Time for an inner check-up?

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